Thursday, August 16, 2012

How do buses work?


How does one operate a bus?

I peace out of the USA to Dublin in 11 days, and my primary concern is that I have no idea how to navigate public transportation. I come from a cornfield. We do not have buses in my cornfield. We do not have trains in my cornfield. We have good, old-fashioned American cars. And we have to walk 10 miles, up-hill (both ways), in the snow, barefoot, to get to the nearest store.

My second concern is not a normal-person concern. I have never been away from my teddy bear, Theodore Bear, for more than one month. And I'm going to be away from him for four months. That is a long time to be away from a teddy bear. What if he gets lonely? Who is going to protect me from ax murderers? Everyone knows that teddy bears defend against all kinds of monsters and mayhem-makers during the night. I can't bring him with me, because he's much too large to pack. He would take up at least a quarter (maybe half) of my packing space. I don't want to have him sent through the mail, because he will surely get lost in the mail and I'll never see him again and my life will be over and I'll be eaten by banshees during the night. And I'm gonna be at least 98723974294802 kilometers (whatever that means in American) from Theodore Bear for four whole months. I'm definitely going to die in my sleep.

And the metric system.

I am American. I do not know how to metric. I mean, I know how to work within the metric system. I can do metric system math and science. But I have no metric reference points. I don't know how far 20 km is. I have no idea how much 35 kg is. And then the difference in temperature scales. Celsius is dumb and I hate it and I demand that everyone in the world recognize that Fahrenheit is superior to Celsius. Sure, Celsius might make more sense mathematically, but I hate it. It should be hit by one of those buses I don't know how to work. Why? Because I don't have reference points in Celsius.

As far as teaching goes, my primary concern is the difference in spelling between American English and the-rest-of-the-world-English. When do I insert a "u?" When do I replace "z" with "s?" These children are all gonna be like, "YOU MISSPELLED THAT WORD." No I didn't. You just don't speak Americanese.

Oh, and I suppose I should probably start packing or something sometime soon...

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